So if each year is a chapter in the book of us and 365 chances to pick an ending, ifyouwill, we are at the precipice of a new chapter.
I'm so sad it took me so so many years to figure out the things I think I grasp now. Think. Still awaiting confirmation.
I have come to realize that in order to truly live the good life and be at peace with myself and those around me, I have to do some serious inner shadow work. In other words, dealing with the dark stuff. The dark parts of me, traumas, childhood traumas - the notsofun stuff we tend to gloss over and think we are ok.
When I said I wouldn't be naming anyone, I meant it. But that is the only grace I afford those who have stomped their way through my life, mind and heart. If you want to be written about better, do better. My truths and my lessons and my interpretations are mine. The words spoken, the actions (or lack thereof) taken, the (dis)respect, the (broken) expectations. There's a reason I'm a large large Swifty. She writes songs, I blog. It's fair I think.
I've been playing over in my head at night waiting for sleep - where do I begin? Which trauma do I want to face first. And I'm trying to time it in line with my appointment with my new therapist. Because once these doors open there is no closing them and I am going to need a neutral third party to help me process, healthily, all I've kept closed away.
I need to go through it to be done with it. That's the only way this works. And I want the rest of my time in this vessel, this human body on this dimension to feel way lighter than it does. I want to trust and enjoy the company of other people. I don't want to be so jaded that all I can think about is keeping my distance just enough to be able to jet when someone shows their true colors, because they all do. And so far they've all left an injury and just plain disappeared.
Did I have a part to play in all that, well absolutely. As easy as it is to sit back and play blameless victim, well, I've had enough therapy to know better. Doing that may make me feel better momentarily but it doesn't heal anybody's shit. And damn it, I'm done carrying all this. It's heavy. And pointless. And I wanna set it down and never look back.
Early days forward? Most recent backwards? Ironically it begins and ends with DOOZY situations so it's gonna be a shit show either way. As I work on end of year things at work and some crochet projects, oh and teach myself dot mandala paintings, I think I will do my first step in my shadow work on 1/1/22. On a new moon because why wouldn't this year begin on a new moon.
It's all tied together my friends - know that nothing is a coincidence or by chance - it is all how it is meant to be. Even if you can't put those pieces together at the time. You'll see. At least I hope you'll stick around.