• livingnd82374

Day 1. And we begin.

47.5 years in this dimension, in this human form, with this soul that CLEARLY chose to learn a lot of lessons this go-round.


See, I likely don't believe in what you do. And that's so cool with me, I hope it is with you, too. Because I always had a hard time believing in the things we were raised on as Gen X. Just didn't sit well with my soul. Couldn't wrap my brain around it, feel comfortable with AND in it, or stop questioning so, so, so many things.


As I grew my love of reading was always with me. Being the youngest of 3 by a number of years (7 and 9 to be precise) and the only girl my age in my neighborhood, when I needed amusement I read the good old Encyclopedia Brittanica. For those too young - Google is your friend. And that quenched my thirst for knowledge. And also opened my eyes to other beliefs.


Long story short, because it's way less painful shortened, my soul let me know I hit the nail on the head with the core belief in the Universe, in respect for all things living, in the fact we are all made of energy, come from energy and will return to said energy. If we need a formal name or title, we can give it Paganism, or Wiccan (oooh she's a WITCH - as if I've never been called worse ;-) ).


In this, I learned my soul doesn't die. That a human vessel is a temporary form and, strangely, one I chose (no accounting for taste on my part) as part of the soul contract I agreed to for this journey. That's right, a soul contract. The entire WHY of all this shit. I don't remember it or know what the hell the point is, but I'll get back to that one day.


I also learned I am but one part of a soul tribe. This mass of energy goes through all these dimensions and lessons/experiences together. Like we all got together and chose roles in this realm. I'm the single mom of special needs, my brother chose his role, my parents, my besties, my children, etc. And in other chapters, we had different roles but we are always together.


So as I prepare for the shadow work I have in the back of my mind to be kind to myself and give grace to the others - because I needed these lessons, no matter how harsh they may seem here. I chose them. And I chose the members of my soul tribe to play certain roles to help me reach these lessons.


Woohoo? Too wishy-washy for you? That ok, I still respect you and hope you stick around for the journey. Because I believe publicly speaking and letting others read my words are part of this, too. I have said for so many years, and so so many traumas, that if I'm an open book and it gives ONE, JUST ONE, person the relief of not being alone then it wasn't for nothing.


So we begin today quite interestingly. My son left with his dad this morning for the night and I promptly returned to my bed. I am so definitely not 25 years old anymore and that child is WORK (as well as my whole heart). I had the most delicious 3 hours of sleep I have had in potentially months, maybe years. Why do I classify it as such? I slept solid, comfortably (I usually sleep very tense and "defensive" I've been told) - and no.nightmares.


Those close to me will understand the bigness of that sentence. And I just made bigness a word I think, but that's the cool part of writing - you can do that. I dreamt of a world where anything was possible, now granted it was via VR having integrated a conversation with my brother and nephew last night (see, soul tribe) into my dreams. But it was happy and light and full of love and possibilities and laughs.


For the past year my dreams, every single night, and I'm not exaggerating, have been of me being somewhere that isn't home and needing to get BACK home. Throughout the whole thing, as I try to get to the mode of transportation to take me back I get MORE lost, and then I can't find my loved ones and friends who are to make the trek with me. The harder I try, the worst it gets. Lather, rinse, repeat. And infestations of ticks (this one is new and actually has a crazy meaning - and yes I can't make this shit up - I said ticks).


My subconscious so LOUDLY screaming that my being needs a breather. New moon, happy dreams, little peace in my soul - it's all signs that I'm taking the right step.


The end goal? Me. Unapologetically. Authentically. Happily.

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