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So lost in thoughts . . .

It has been a hot minute since I have been here. I don't know why, but my best thoughts come as I'm laying in the area between sleep and consciousness - when I WANT to get up and capture them but the darkness of sleep is far more inviting.

So what am I thinking about? As I age and work on myself, accepting what was and is and letting go of what doesn't serve me, I'm left with something:

  1. Am I more cognizant of narcissist?

  2. Are there just that MANY in this world?

  3. A combination of 1 and 2

  4. I'm just way too in my head.

It really could be any combination of the above.

But here's what I DO know. In my earlier years, my meeting of a narcissist would immediately turn into panic and angst, how can I change myself to meet his/her needs. What wasn't good enough, what did I need to hide, change, lie about? Did I measure up? Could I, would I, ever be good enough? Shaping myself into someone I had never met before each time a new one crossed my path.

In this chapter of my life, I see them now and I'm instantly repulsed. I want to call them out, ask others if they can see these toxic toxic traits. Wonder how they got to where they did in life, knowing all too well the trail of casualties they've left behind. Younger me, killing herself to be enough in their eyes, has morphed into middle-aged me who just turns off. Ick. I have zero desire to garner your approval or ever be someone associated with you.

I wish I had this awareness when I was younger, a lot of hurt would have been left in the past, but all of that made me who I am right now. Without it, I might still be falling for the bullshit carnage these evil beings leave in their wake.

Still not where I'm supposed to be 100%. Closer, for sure, and SO glad to be out of the last place. I have some peace which allows me to breath. I have my walls up so nobody will ever know the real me or be enabled to hurt me. I will breeze through this phase of life and some may question if I was ever truly there . . .

Stay tuned, I think I'm closer than I realize.

And my baby, the one who made me a mom. My best friend, my beautiful girl, who saved me and taught me and grew with me turns 21 tomorrow.

That, my friends, in INSANE. Happy Sunday y'all.

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