• livingnd82374

Stuck.

Woke up today, the 4th day of this year, feeling ok. Good sleep, adjusting to back to school but ok. Came home from dropping my boy off at school, started homemade chicken soup, and worked. And then people happened. And I'll never, ever understand humanity. Story for another time.


I'm about 3 weeks out from the new therapist. The lock on the door of our story is undone, it's dangling there, tempting me to open it.


The dreams have begun again. Lost, need to get to the mode of transportation to get home. Need the kids. Can't find the kids. Every time I try and "right" my path I get more and more lost. Wake up not having resolved anything. It's so, so very tiresome to dream every single night. It's also how I know my subconscious is done carrying all this stuff.


When I got my diagnosis of "Cluster B Personality Disorders", primary Borderline, I wasn't shocked. It confirmed what I already knew about myself. It allowed me to have a focused healing plan, a goal to all the talk therapy, it was like my son's diagnosis. Hard to swallow but expected and gave us a plan of attack.


Now I sit here, 8 years out from that (holy shit, wow), and realize it helps keep me in check, maybe too much. I regularly question - is this "normal" thinking or is this my borderline? Are these normal reactions or is this my borderline? Do I/Did I really love him or is it my borderline? Trust me, equally exhausting as just acting out the borderline behaviors.


I sit here now evaluating the day, the dream, my thoughts, my memories, my emotions, my reactions, my forward momentum - weighing the "normal" vs the "borderline".


I came here thinking I'd start our story. Well, what was in my head and heart about that chapter in my life. And I know what I want to say, yeah I know it All Too Well. Knife to the heart, that one (iykyk). People, well, peopled and threw a curve in my already wishy-washy thought process so I guess that story will have to be for another day.


Today my forward momentum in this crazy dimension of life is front and center in my ol' noodle. Time to utilize it to its potential instead of needing others to confirm left or right at this little fork in the road.


I got this.


PS - if this seems like word vomit, well, it likely is. Welcome to my brain. Somehow all this Spaghetti Monster fragmentation makes sense. And it will eventually for you, too.

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