Ahhh, blogging my life. It is a source of comfort and contention all at once. Yet, here I am again. For whatever reason, giving the thoughts and words in my head wings and letting them fly for all those (few, very few) people who peruse my corner of the web to consume makes me feel lighter. Helps me heal in some way, ifyouwill.
And there is alot. There is so, so much stewing in my head currently. Things I've not ever said to anyone. Therapists, loved ones, friends, nope. Maybe my son, for he can't speak, or my cats but never anyone who could put together a judgment or perception of what I feel, where I've been and what I've been through.
My therapist of 8ish years is down to 4 clients a week. And the 4 hour time slots do not work with my life and schedule, like at all. So, after 8 years and lots of intense talking, I feel broken up with. Ahh, my borderline brain. I know she didn't break up with me, I know she is ready to wrap up her career but boy my brain sees it that way. And with the sense of betrayal, all the scabs on the old traumas are irritated enough to make everything just go to shit.
So, it's time. New therapist January 18. Kinda like dating, not really excited if I'm being honest, but I can't go the rest of my life with out one. THAT would not end well my friends. So I do this "thing". If I don't want to deal with the raw realness of a situation - the hurt, the dirty details, the schtuff. I dissociate it. Not like Sybil, but kinda. It's like I lock it behind a super heavy, triple reinforced metal door in my brain and it's just gone. The details are super fuzzy, the emotions untouchable and it's gone. Done. The end. Right?
Nope. I wish it worked that easily. I knew at some point I'd need to open those doors, one by one and be strong enough to stand in the face of whatever looked out at me.
Pretty sure there won't be a "perfect" time but it definitely feels like the right time. All names will be changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent and, well, my own ass.
The only way out is through. It could get very messy but if you're up for a ride, come on along.